the beauty of life

It's going on many weeks since I have had any photography work, and I'm beginning not to care. I'm counting in weeks b/c to count in months would mean I'm ready to face the reality of how long it's been and I really don't want to (and also no longer care). I get this way. In fact I've always been this way if I feel someone doesn't want me as a friend or photographer, I'm just outta there and I go with the feeling that "I don't care." It's really just my cover for not dealing well with my real emotions which is usually the big question of WHY? Why do I suck? Why is life easier for everyone but me? Why am I not successful at every facet of my life and why oh why do these feelings have to make me feel like an insecure 12 year old?

I'm turning 36 in a couple of days and it's the first time in my life that I feel I'm done with birthdays. I just don't want to get any older for a couple of reasons. One, I'm freaked out watching myself get physically older. I have many grey hairs now and I get a little undone every time I see a glint of grey in the mirror. It just feels wrong. Two, getting older means I don't have much more time to dilly dally on decisions like having kids. I don't like being rushed and I also don't like the idea of having options no longer within my control. Three, I know I have made progress with my photography, but I don't feel anywhere near where I really want to be. So this leaves me with feeling old, childless and still not making a mark with my work. In a word I feel pretty purposeless over here. There is no one to tend to but me and I'm not doing a very good job at that. sigh. What a pitiful post.