Lately I:
drank a raspberry and spirulina shake (it looked like mud in a glass)
found a substantial bruise on my bottom that I have no idea how I got
inwardly cringed at something someone else said
turned 36 years old
am starting piano lessons
caught my hair on fire while blowing out candles on my b.day cake (true story)
found a great song on my ipod that I forgot I had
regretted something I said out loud
photographed a volunteer firefighter for a magazine article (hubba hubba)
kissed the kittens that live in my barn
have lost my winter lbs (yeah!!!!)
bought a fantastic retro chair for $20
developed some b&w film that I shot at Lloyd's of Lowville Diner
5.29.2009
5.19.2009
It's going on many weeks since I have had any photography work, and I'm beginning not to care. I'm counting in weeks b/c to count in months would mean I'm ready to face the reality of how long it's been and I really don't want to (and also no longer care). I get this way. In fact I've always been this way if I feel someone doesn't want me as a friend or photographer, I'm just outta there and I go with the feeling that "I don't care." It's really just my cover for not dealing well with my real emotions which is usually the big question of WHY? Why do I suck? Why is life easier for everyone but me? Why am I not successful at every facet of my life and why oh why do these feelings have to make me feel like an insecure 12 year old?
I'm turning 36 in a couple of days and it's the first time in my life that I feel I'm done with birthdays. I just don't want to get any older for a couple of reasons. One, I'm freaked out watching myself get physically older. I have many grey hairs now and I get a little undone every time I see a glint of grey in the mirror. It just feels wrong. Two, getting older means I don't have much more time to dilly dally on decisions like having kids. I don't like being rushed and I also don't like the idea of having options no longer within my control. Three, I know I have made progress with my photography, but I don't feel anywhere near where I really want to be. So this leaves me with feeling old, childless and still not making a mark with my work. In a word I feel pretty purposeless over here. There is no one to tend to but me and I'm not doing a very good job at that. sigh. What a pitiful post.
I'm turning 36 in a couple of days and it's the first time in my life that I feel I'm done with birthdays. I just don't want to get any older for a couple of reasons. One, I'm freaked out watching myself get physically older. I have many grey hairs now and I get a little undone every time I see a glint of grey in the mirror. It just feels wrong. Two, getting older means I don't have much more time to dilly dally on decisions like having kids. I don't like being rushed and I also don't like the idea of having options no longer within my control. Three, I know I have made progress with my photography, but I don't feel anywhere near where I really want to be. So this leaves me with feeling old, childless and still not making a mark with my work. In a word I feel pretty purposeless over here. There is no one to tend to but me and I'm not doing a very good job at that. sigh. What a pitiful post.
5.07.2009
35 going on 17
During my reluctant attempts at spring cleaning recently, I came across a diary of mine that starts in late 1989. I picked it up, opened the cover and started reading. What I found in these pages was a seventeen year old who bitched a lot. How annoying.
Apparently everything my friends, team mates, parents did, frustrated me. All I wanted it seemed was to be left alone or aside from that, to be in the arms of "Doug", my long-time crush.
It's a bit weird to read how pathetic you just may have been at one time, and also hilarious. There are points within these pages that have me rolling with laughter, such as my abominable math grade, (which I will not share with you as to preserve some respect for that 17 year old girl).
Which speaking of 17 year old's, is it wrong for a 35 year old to have a crush on an adolescent vampire? Recently my niece gave me a book she had just finished. She's 13. I thought it a sweet gesture so I took the book thinking I would read a couple of pages, put it down and get a more suitable book for myself from the library. The thing is I couldn't put it down. I have since read two books of this series in less than 2 weeks. Not sure what this says about me other than I guess I like a good love story? It can't be any different than an adult reading Harry Potter or any of the Classics right?
Apparently everything my friends, team mates, parents did, frustrated me. All I wanted it seemed was to be left alone or aside from that, to be in the arms of "Doug", my long-time crush.
It's a bit weird to read how pathetic you just may have been at one time, and also hilarious. There are points within these pages that have me rolling with laughter, such as my abominable math grade, (which I will not share with you as to preserve some respect for that 17 year old girl).
Which speaking of 17 year old's, is it wrong for a 35 year old to have a crush on an adolescent vampire? Recently my niece gave me a book she had just finished. She's 13. I thought it a sweet gesture so I took the book thinking I would read a couple of pages, put it down and get a more suitable book for myself from the library. The thing is I couldn't put it down. I have since read two books of this series in less than 2 weeks. Not sure what this says about me other than I guess I like a good love story? It can't be any different than an adult reading Harry Potter or any of the Classics right?
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