It's Monday. 2:12pm.
my hair is greasy
my face unwashed
my teeth unbrushed
I am still in my pj's
Oh. yes. I. am.
7.13.2009
5.29.2009
Lately I:
drank a raspberry and spirulina shake (it looked like mud in a glass)
found a substantial bruise on my bottom that I have no idea how I got
inwardly cringed at something someone else said
turned 36 years old
am starting piano lessons
caught my hair on fire while blowing out candles on my b.day cake (true story)
found a great song on my ipod that I forgot I had
regretted something I said out loud
photographed a volunteer firefighter for a magazine article (hubba hubba)
kissed the kittens that live in my barn
have lost my winter lbs (yeah!!!!)
bought a fantastic retro chair for $20
developed some b&w film that I shot at Lloyd's of Lowville Diner
drank a raspberry and spirulina shake (it looked like mud in a glass)
found a substantial bruise on my bottom that I have no idea how I got
inwardly cringed at something someone else said
turned 36 years old
am starting piano lessons
caught my hair on fire while blowing out candles on my b.day cake (true story)
found a great song on my ipod that I forgot I had
regretted something I said out loud
photographed a volunteer firefighter for a magazine article (hubba hubba)
kissed the kittens that live in my barn
have lost my winter lbs (yeah!!!!)
bought a fantastic retro chair for $20
developed some b&w film that I shot at Lloyd's of Lowville Diner
5.19.2009
It's going on many weeks since I have had any photography work, and I'm beginning not to care. I'm counting in weeks b/c to count in months would mean I'm ready to face the reality of how long it's been and I really don't want to (and also no longer care). I get this way. In fact I've always been this way if I feel someone doesn't want me as a friend or photographer, I'm just outta there and I go with the feeling that "I don't care." It's really just my cover for not dealing well with my real emotions which is usually the big question of WHY? Why do I suck? Why is life easier for everyone but me? Why am I not successful at every facet of my life and why oh why do these feelings have to make me feel like an insecure 12 year old?
I'm turning 36 in a couple of days and it's the first time in my life that I feel I'm done with birthdays. I just don't want to get any older for a couple of reasons. One, I'm freaked out watching myself get physically older. I have many grey hairs now and I get a little undone every time I see a glint of grey in the mirror. It just feels wrong. Two, getting older means I don't have much more time to dilly dally on decisions like having kids. I don't like being rushed and I also don't like the idea of having options no longer within my control. Three, I know I have made progress with my photography, but I don't feel anywhere near where I really want to be. So this leaves me with feeling old, childless and still not making a mark with my work. In a word I feel pretty purposeless over here. There is no one to tend to but me and I'm not doing a very good job at that. sigh. What a pitiful post.
I'm turning 36 in a couple of days and it's the first time in my life that I feel I'm done with birthdays. I just don't want to get any older for a couple of reasons. One, I'm freaked out watching myself get physically older. I have many grey hairs now and I get a little undone every time I see a glint of grey in the mirror. It just feels wrong. Two, getting older means I don't have much more time to dilly dally on decisions like having kids. I don't like being rushed and I also don't like the idea of having options no longer within my control. Three, I know I have made progress with my photography, but I don't feel anywhere near where I really want to be. So this leaves me with feeling old, childless and still not making a mark with my work. In a word I feel pretty purposeless over here. There is no one to tend to but me and I'm not doing a very good job at that. sigh. What a pitiful post.
5.07.2009
35 going on 17
During my reluctant attempts at spring cleaning recently, I came across a diary of mine that starts in late 1989. I picked it up, opened the cover and started reading. What I found in these pages was a seventeen year old who bitched a lot. How annoying.
Apparently everything my friends, team mates, parents did, frustrated me. All I wanted it seemed was to be left alone or aside from that, to be in the arms of "Doug", my long-time crush.
It's a bit weird to read how pathetic you just may have been at one time, and also hilarious. There are points within these pages that have me rolling with laughter, such as my abominable math grade, (which I will not share with you as to preserve some respect for that 17 year old girl).
Which speaking of 17 year old's, is it wrong for a 35 year old to have a crush on an adolescent vampire? Recently my niece gave me a book she had just finished. She's 13. I thought it a sweet gesture so I took the book thinking I would read a couple of pages, put it down and get a more suitable book for myself from the library. The thing is I couldn't put it down. I have since read two books of this series in less than 2 weeks. Not sure what this says about me other than I guess I like a good love story? It can't be any different than an adult reading Harry Potter or any of the Classics right?
Apparently everything my friends, team mates, parents did, frustrated me. All I wanted it seemed was to be left alone or aside from that, to be in the arms of "Doug", my long-time crush.
It's a bit weird to read how pathetic you just may have been at one time, and also hilarious. There are points within these pages that have me rolling with laughter, such as my abominable math grade, (which I will not share with you as to preserve some respect for that 17 year old girl).
Which speaking of 17 year old's, is it wrong for a 35 year old to have a crush on an adolescent vampire? Recently my niece gave me a book she had just finished. She's 13. I thought it a sweet gesture so I took the book thinking I would read a couple of pages, put it down and get a more suitable book for myself from the library. The thing is I couldn't put it down. I have since read two books of this series in less than 2 weeks. Not sure what this says about me other than I guess I like a good love story? It can't be any different than an adult reading Harry Potter or any of the Classics right?
4.23.2009
who knew?
Oh. my. god. is what I said after trying on a pair of pants I haven't worn in many months.
Yep, it's true that I have had one sedentary winter. The proof is in the ill fitting pants.
After being laid off from my job in December, the new year began with me working full-time on my photography in front of this computer day in and day out. To say I didn't get out much is a vast understatement. Me and my pj's and elastic waist band pants hung out in this very spot where I sit today without witnessing my expanding waistline. And now that the weather has warmed and spring has indeed sprung, I am forced out of my aforementioned work clothes (aka pj's) and into the wardrobe I haven't seen in months, and it ain't pretty. And to all of my friends who say I don't look any different, I have only this to say, shutupshutupshutup. My pants don't lie, but my friends obviously do. So what is there do from here I ask myself? Only one thing, RUN. So run I did, or actually more like jogging and walking. Huffing and puffing I moved along until my very lithe, long distance running neighbour asked if she could join in my circus of movement. I tried dodging her, I am and always have been a solitary runner, but she insisted even after I told her I was just beginning again after being a slug all winter. So I reluctantly took my place beside her and wouldn't you know, a miraculous thing occurred. I ran without stopping, ran without walking, and ran without much mental effort. What was this? A running partner was easing the pain of my newly acquired exercise. What I found was I no longer had to mentally keep myself preoccupied so I wouldn't stop or mentally cop out of the task at hand. Having her beside me made me pace myself better and has allowed me to go further than I would otherwise. Don't get me wrong, it's still challenging, but in a better way.
In the end what I hope to get out of this is the ability to run further than I have ever before and with that, my wardrobe not to fit so snug.
Yep, it's true that I have had one sedentary winter. The proof is in the ill fitting pants.
After being laid off from my job in December, the new year began with me working full-time on my photography in front of this computer day in and day out. To say I didn't get out much is a vast understatement. Me and my pj's and elastic waist band pants hung out in this very spot where I sit today without witnessing my expanding waistline. And now that the weather has warmed and spring has indeed sprung, I am forced out of my aforementioned work clothes (aka pj's) and into the wardrobe I haven't seen in months, and it ain't pretty. And to all of my friends who say I don't look any different, I have only this to say, shutupshutupshutup. My pants don't lie, but my friends obviously do. So what is there do from here I ask myself? Only one thing, RUN. So run I did, or actually more like jogging and walking. Huffing and puffing I moved along until my very lithe, long distance running neighbour asked if she could join in my circus of movement. I tried dodging her, I am and always have been a solitary runner, but she insisted even after I told her I was just beginning again after being a slug all winter. So I reluctantly took my place beside her and wouldn't you know, a miraculous thing occurred. I ran without stopping, ran without walking, and ran without much mental effort. What was this? A running partner was easing the pain of my newly acquired exercise. What I found was I no longer had to mentally keep myself preoccupied so I wouldn't stop or mentally cop out of the task at hand. Having her beside me made me pace myself better and has allowed me to go further than I would otherwise. Don't get me wrong, it's still challenging, but in a better way.
In the end what I hope to get out of this is the ability to run further than I have ever before and with that, my wardrobe not to fit so snug.
1.17.2009
There were many aspects of the home I was house sitting that I enjoyed, but one in particular that I want to implement into my own home is having speakers installed in the ceiling of many rooms. Moving from room to room or even walking into the house and hearing gentle ambient sound was very soothing and generally set the tone of the household.
Yesterday I was in the basement of my printer guy. It was very dark as he was setting up a tabletop shot of product (he's a photographer as well). He had some very groovy ambient music playing that seemed to allow him to hum along tweaking his setup, but didn't get in the way of his concentration. That's when I learned about groovera. I'm listening to it as I type this. It plays directly from your Itunes library and I suggest if you have an interest in cool vibes, that you check it out.
Yesterday I was in the basement of my printer guy. It was very dark as he was setting up a tabletop shot of product (he's a photographer as well). He had some very groovy ambient music playing that seemed to allow him to hum along tweaking his setup, but didn't get in the way of his concentration. That's when I learned about groovera. I'm listening to it as I type this. It plays directly from your Itunes library and I suggest if you have an interest in cool vibes, that you check it out.
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